it's the way we walk.

We were going to move again, perhaps to Germany, perhaps to Sweden, but we decided to buy a car and stay here instead. Renting the latest model cars is fun, but sometimes on a spring Tuesday morning you just want to drive to the beach, or to Holt country park. Buying a car is the most normal thing, but I've never been comfortable with normal.

It's been so long since January, I got bored with seeing the bank balance slowly rise. I got bored with book dealing, my brother has made a fortune (really, he has prieceless art works and stays in 1000 pound hotels just for fun) playing poker. My dad builds a big castle in the Virgin islands. My mum struggles on her teachers salary. I don't get "money". At times I've hated it, and never wanted anything to do with it. And then, times when you want the best for your family, for my little darling son, but what does he really need? He's happy in a green field. He's overjoyed at the childrens library, he loves crawling around and opening and closing the washing machine door.

Society is a hole. It makes me lie to my friends. I applied for a job for Porsche. Why not? I told the people I work for the pay rate was too low and to my shock a few weeks later "Your pay increase has been improved" - I dont remember asking for one, I was just mentiong the fact, but ok!

Sometimes it's hard to make sense of society. Am I good or bad? Where do I fit in? Do I even want to. I wrote a few poems about beliving, or trying to believe, in God. Everytime I pray my prayers are answered. Everytime I'm shocked that is the case. It sounds nuts but it's true,don't ask me how or why. I like the poems of RS Thomas, some mesmerising priest in the middle of Wales, I think I mentioned that before. It gives me hope. Hope is important as the candle fades.

READING - great great book about Voltaire and his mistress Emelie and their crazy wonderful life "passionate minds" / "My french whore" by Gene Wilder (yes, the actor!) / the new yorker magazine (in my armchair each morning before work, 30 minutes of clarity!)

FILMS - Hidden (French film) / A woman under the influrence (john cassavates) / Casiono Royal / Starsky and Hutch (remake)

OTHER - Holt Country Park / Mark Kozelek / endless text messages / decorating / horse rides / late night coffee conversations with Franny.